


guillotine (even when I lose my head)

by LinhamonRoll



Category: Keeper of the Lost Cities Series - Shannon Messenger
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I’m projecting my trauma on Keefe way too much, M/M, Nightmares, Rated T for Trashmouth, listen, multiple days in a row, tam is great at comforting (and maybe he has practiced the speech multiple times in his head), there is no way Keefe doesn’t have trauma due to emotional abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-25 02:27:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22008442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LinhamonRoll/pseuds/LinhamonRoll
Summary: Keefe needs a self love boost, Tam is there(I’m bad at summaries, but I swear this isn’t kinda good)
Relationships: Keefe Sencen/Tam Song
Comments: 11
Kudos: 59





	guillotine (even when I lose my head)

“Of course i didn't mess with your genes !”

This should have been reassuring, right ? Even if it had all been just a dream, they should have been comforting. 

“Why would i want to modify you ?”

Why was his stupid brain even replaying the scene ? He had been through so much worse, but of course this was what he chose to focus on. Why couldn't it have been one of their fights with the Neverseen ? And why now of all the times ? Why was he starting to feel like this weeks after the actual thing ? None of this freaking made sense.

“Why would i want anything to do with you useless boy ?”

Keefe shouldn't be so affected by his dream-mom's words. Keefe shouldn't be sobbing in his pillow over it at a sleepover he organized either, yet there he was, trying to muffle the sound.

“I’m sorry keefe, you're just not worth it.”

He didn't know how long he had been crying when he heard the door between rooms creek open. It really was a shame that he hadn't just asked his friends to all sleep in the same room, then maybe he wouldn't be crying over something that didn't even happen, but that for some reason, he had decided to make a big deal out if. But he didn't, so Linh and Sophie and Biana, and Fitz and Dex were doing their sweet couple-y things in their rooms while he was there all alone because who would even want to be with such a useless mess of a person ?

“It would have been useless anyways, you would have just disappointed me as usual.”

“Oh, you really think you friends will come to help you, while you’re worthless for the team ?”

He wished someone was there to hold him tight while he cried, he wished there was someone there to hand him tissues and promise that he would be alright and that just loved him without any conditions, even if he was worthless, and disappointing and a failure, but all he had was his covers and his own two arms and he wished they were enough and he wished the blankets were alive and maybe they could swallow him up and he really needed to calm down, who even cried this much over nothing but he couldn't and—

“Look at you,you weren't even good enough to be her nemesis.”

“I tried to make you great, but you were my worst failure.”

Why did he care that he failed at being evil ? He shouldn’t ! He shouldn't ! He was such a horrible person he still wanted his mom to be proud of him after all she had done. He could see her leaping away again and again and again and it hurt so much. Even if she was horrible. Even if she had hurt him to no extent . Maybe if he opened his eyes maybe he would stop seeing the scene again, or maybe the darkness of the room wouldn't change anything compared to the darkness of his eyelids and he was just being stupid as usual and why was there light everywhere in his room in the middle of the night ?

He liked the dark better. Darkness was more comfortable. He could always hide in the dark and pretend he didn't exist, whereas in the light, he was forced to think.

So he did. He took a few deeper breaths and for the first time in, well, however long it had been since he went to bed he supposed, Keefe registered  
what was surrounding him, and it was not the same as when he had went to sleep. 

He was still in his room, it was just… Well, for starters, there was a tissue box on his bedside table, which he immediately used, but there was also a glass of water and snacks on the ground next to his bed, and Mrs Stinkbottom was propped at the end of his bed. She was just, sitting there, her paws between her legs, and was that a little hat ? It was so adorable he tried to resist the urge to hug her just to leave her like that. He didn’t last long though. 

It was comforting, squishing her so tight, but it almost hurt, because she was there when no one else was. The only thing that comforted him was a stuffed animal. Atlantis that was sad. 

His mouth tasted like shit. At that moment, he had never felt more grateful for the existence of water and for the glass waiting for him on the ground. Which he was pretty sure hadn’t been there when he went to sleep. Which meant that the person getting out of his toilets right now was probably the reason for that. that also meant that Keefe had been too busy being a damned failure to even notice someone getting into his room. And that also meant that someone had seen him. Goddammit. 

“Failure. Not good enough. Worthless. Useless. Mistake”

Aaaaand he was crying again. He needed to get a fucking grip, it couldn't be so damn hard even for him !

His matress shifted. He turned to see a slightly blurry Tam sitting awkwardly next to him. So bangs boy had been the one “helping him” he supposed. Eh, he wasn't even that surprised, Tam was a pretty sweet guy underneath the whole edginess thing. Maybe it would have been a good time to start talking or something, but to be honest, Keefe didn’t think he would be able to say two words out loud before breaking back into tears. So he didn’t. He just put his head on Tam’s shoulder and let him hold him for a while. They ate the snacks. Turns out rifflepuffs can really lighten the mood.

“I—sometimes I can't sleep you know ?” Unsurprisingly, Tam broke the silence first. “And just lying in bed, all alone, it can get pretty lo-boring, right ? So I usually do this thing where I see through the shadows ? And look I swear I wasn't like, trying to spy on you or something, but I especially like it in new places because, well, exploring, and I—I don’t know how to say it without sounding a total creep, but I kinda like watching people ? Like, how they exist ? That doesn’t make sense at all. Anyways, when I was getting back I kinda went through your room ? And you just—looked like you could use somebody being there ?” Keefe could already feel the tears building behind his eyes, but why was he crying over this ? Because Tam had seen him crying under his covers and had thought to come comfort him ? Because someone was showing him the least of human decency? Pathetic.

“Failure. Not good enough. Worthless. Useless. Mistake. Pathetic.”

“Are you okay ? I knew I shouldn’t have said anything—I can go if you want ? Just let me—“ Tam was already starting to get up and gathering the rifflepuffs crumbs on the bed when Keefe caught his wrist to stop him.

“Stay,” he whispered. “Please.” He really really just wanted someone to hold on, and Tam’s arms were— he almost felt good when he was there. So Keefe pulled him back on the bed and buried his face in his chest. Tam held him tightly, face pressed in his hair, at some point he even started stroking his hair and it felt good. It was everything Keefe longed for, someone to just, be there, be with him, and it felt freaking great. So he enjoyed a few more minutes of the calm before talking. 

“I’m such a mess. I—“ He wasn’t even able to form a stupid sentence before his voice broke.

“Failure. Not good enough. Worthless. Useless. Mistake. Pathetic. Weak.”

Keefe took a deep breath and went back to whispering. “I had a stupid dream, I guess ? Where—where my mom told me she didn’t do anything shady with my genes. And that’s all good right ? I mean, I should be glad. But she said some, some other stuff. And I know I shouldn’t believe anything she tells me, and even less in dream form, but—“ It was so hard to swallow around the lump in his throat. He had started talking again somewhere in the second sentence and he was starting to really regret that decision.“It got to me I guess. I had been kidnapped and you weren’t coming, any of you and she was saying a bunch of stuff about how I wasn’t worth the risk ? And I mean, she’s right, I don’t bring anything to the team, I’m just—“ Why couldn’t he talk dammit? His stupid voice just kept betraying him. He took a deep breath, supposedly to calm himself. “Me. I’m just me.” Keefe found it ridiculous, a little. He would have laughed if it was about something like one of these“sitcoms” Sophie had told them about “All of you, you’re all so powerful and important, and I’m fucking not. I mean, I failed even at being a bad guy. I was just a big mistake from the beginning, because my mom messed up her experiments or something.” He couldn’t help it this time, a little laugh escaped his mouth.

“Failure. Not good enough. Worthless. Useless. Mistake. Pathetic. Weak.”

Now he was just waiting for everyone to finally realize that and leave him behind. Bangs boy was going to have the honor to be the first. Which was why when he said “You’re wrong though” instead of the rejection he was expecting, Keefe looked up in surprise so fast he hit Tam in the chin. He was about to apologize but Tam just carried on.

“You’re so, so wrong, it’s almost funny. Not that I’m laughing at you, I’m not. It’s just that— it’s so absurd— why would you ever think that ? Wait was it our fault ? Was it my fault ? Was that why you were crying earlier ? Not the whole thing just the little— I’m so sorry if that’s the case I—“

“You didn’t do anything wrong. None of you.” Keefe cut him. It was entirely his own fault. All of his friends were good. Too good for him.

“Failure. Not good enough. Worthless. Useless. Mistake. Pathetic. Weak.”

“Oh. Ok.” Tam seemed so relieved he hadn’t done anything wrong. It only reinforced Keefe’s belief that Tam was definitely way too good for him. Or for anyone. “What was I— you’re wrong. You’re none of these things I know you call yourself in your head. None of them.”

“You’re not a failure.” Tam said, and Keefe almost laughed. “You’re one of the smartest people I know, Exile, you’re one of the only elves so far to ever skip a grade in Foxfire, and probably the first one to do that while consistently making beautiful drawing in the margins of your notebooks everyday. I don’t think you ever failed anyone, Keefe Sencen. No one that matters.”

“You're not worthless, or useless, or anything like that.” Tam said, and Keefe scoffed. “How could you ever think that ? I don’t even know if any of us would still be alive if you weren't part of the team. You saved us so many times, like, sure, you put yourself in danger to do it, and it's infuriating, but we wouldn't be where we are if you didn't. You’re the glue in our group. We probably wouldn't even be friends without you. And I think all of us would do everything we can to make sure you're okay in the end. Because you’re worth it. And you’re a valuable part of the team.”

“You're not weak, and you're certainly not pathetic.” Tam said, and Keefe wanted to roll his eyes. “You're one of the strongest people I know. you went through so much shit, and sure, you're not perfectly dealing with it, but you’re here, and you're surviving, and it could be so much worse. You're here, surrounded by friends, in a place that you claimed even after everything. No one, no one, has the right to tell you that's not impressive. And that’s—that’s more than I, than any of us could do, and for that, I admire you so much Keefe.”

“I’m not admirable” Keefe muttered.

“Yes you fucking are !” Tam flicked him on the forehead. “Now shush and let me tell you how great you are.” He said, and Keefe smiled behind the tears that had started falling again. “You’re so much more than your family. You’re smart, beautiful, a real ass sometimes, and even if it pains me to say it, funny, at times. You're a million other little things that make you, you and I wouldn't change any of it for the world.”

Keefe sniffed and chuckled. “Even the hair ?”

“Even the hair.”

Keefe giggled. This was kinda surreal, wasn’t it ? Or maybe it was just three am and everything seems funnier than it really was, but the fact was that he was laughing now. Tam joined him, fully laughing, and damn if it wasn't something Keefe could get used to. Laughing, in bed, in the middle of the . What had he done to deserve Tam ? “What did I do to deserve you ?”

“You were born.”

Keefe grinned and pressed himself against Tam. He didn’t quite believe it yet, but maybe knowing Tam did was enough. He closed his eyes and listened to Tam’s heartbeat. This was so nice, to have someone there, he couldn’t believe it was actually true. Maybe it was a dream. He was feeling himself dosing off when he sniffled.

“I’m gonna need tissues.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope y’all liked this h/c fic that I maybe spent too much time writing at 3 am but who knows ? 
> 
> Come talk to me about kotlc on tumblr @linhamon-roll


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